Thursday, 2 April 2009

The following is a list of potential candidates to take over as senior pastor for our church:

Adam: Good man but problems with wife. However, one reference mentions how he and his wife enjoy walking naked in the woods.

Noah: Held a prior pastoral position for 120 years without even one convert. Also prone to unrealistic building projects.

Abraham: Though the references reported wife-swapping, the facts seem to show he never slept with another man's wife, but did offer to share his own wife with another man.

Joseph: A big thinker, but liked to brag. Believes in dream-interpreting, and has a prison record.

Moses: A modest and meek man, but poor communication skills, even stuttering at times. Prone to rash and reckless behaviour on occasions. Some say he left an earlier church over a murder charge.

David: The most promising leader of all until news of the affair he had with his neighbour's wife broke.

Solomon: Greatest and wisest preacher, but our church would never hold all those wives.

Elijah: Prone to depression. Collapses under pressure.

Elisha: Reported to have lived with a single widow while at his former church.

Hosea: A loving and patient pastor but our people could never handle his wife's occupation.

Deborah: Strong leader and seems to be anointed, but is female.

Jeremiah: Emotionally unstable, negative, always lamenting things, reported to have taken a long trip to bury his underwear on the bank of a foreign river.

Isaiah: Claims to have seen angels in church. Has trouble with his language.

Jonah: Refused God's call into ministry until he was forced to obey by getting swallowed up by a great fish. He told us the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. We sent him for psychiatric evaluation.

Amos: Too unpolished. With some seminary training he might have promise, but has a hang-up against wealthy people - might fit in better in a poor congregation. Doesn't seem to believe that God may want to bless some financially.

Melchizedek: Great credentials at current work place, no information on his resume about former work records available. Every line about parents was left blank and he refuses to supply a birth date. Ancient Jewish tradition has it that Melchizedek is really Shem. If you check out the lifespan of Shem in the Bible, it seems to be true!

John: Claims he is a Baptist, but definitely doesn't dress like one. Has slept outdoors for months on end, has a weird diet, and provokes denominational leaders.

Peter: Has a bad temper - has been known to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch. Aggressive, but rash.

Paul: Powerful CEO type leader and fascinating preacher. However, short on tact, unforgiving with younger ministers, harsh and has been known to preach all night.

James & John: Package deal preacher & associate seemed good at first, but found out they have an ego problem regarding other fellow workers and seating positions. Threatened an entire town after an insult. Also known to try to discourage workers who didn't follow along with them.

Timothy: Too young

Methuselah: Too old

Jesus: Has had popular times, but once his church grew to 5000 he managed to offend them all, and then this church dwindled down to twelve people. Seldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he's still single.


janice said...

my goodness nick, where do u find all these things. hahah. :p

*~NASTASHA~* said...

I think I'll go with Jesus;)

Kit Mun said...

LOL. Nick, did u come up with all that or what??